Beppe,
I started school. I am now thinking of going to work on weekends too. Freakonomically, I should be able to I guess.
These days, I go from bell to bell in school-everything in between is a haze. Who cares?
I made a pledge not to register myself as a jerk anymore.
I pledge devotion.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Saturday, July 3, 2010
down the aisle with meat
I had been lying to myself all this time. The lies were such that my beliefs in them as being intrinsic to me and as a part of me were formulated and true to my best understanding of myself. That is the extent to which beliefs are misleading and to which I cannot question everything that limits me because all my beliefs are self-imposed and followed to the maximum extent. I am an extremist in my following-my biggest flaw. Impounded with quirky beliefs makes me the biggest fool in the world.
I want this world to give me all it can. This world made of plastic can only give me what it can manufacture and churn. I want that success, the house, the freedom, the money, the hot piece of meat-for sexual purposes only. I believed I wanted inner happiness and was walking to a critical road to that point-until i see everyone around me walking a different road on escalators perhaps. Where did I go? Nowhere. What did I learn? Probably not as much as I think I should have. If i could believe all that crap to make myself fit into the well-to-do's, i became lost. When I try to fit in with the confessed-volunteers, I find myself dreaming of clothes and the possible combinations to complete an outfit. Where I am has nothing to do with the world imposing a regiment upon me to think as I do.
The world has taught me to hope. It has also taught me what exactly to hope for. its a beautiful world
I want this world to give me all it can. This world made of plastic can only give me what it can manufacture and churn. I want that success, the house, the freedom, the money, the hot piece of meat-for sexual purposes only. I believed I wanted inner happiness and was walking to a critical road to that point-until i see everyone around me walking a different road on escalators perhaps. Where did I go? Nowhere. What did I learn? Probably not as much as I think I should have. If i could believe all that crap to make myself fit into the well-to-do's, i became lost. When I try to fit in with the confessed-volunteers, I find myself dreaming of clothes and the possible combinations to complete an outfit. Where I am has nothing to do with the world imposing a regiment upon me to think as I do.
The world has taught me to hope. It has also taught me what exactly to hope for. its a beautiful world
Friday, July 2, 2010
Day two-nothing new
I lost my password to this blog and had to follow a shitload of annoying instructions I glanced over 5 times to avoid reading. I was just trying to be speedy. Why? I hope I would be able to answer that question without questioning my sanity first.
I'm conflicted over the real-time effects of my actions-where each thing is headed in the big picture. Where each stray hair on top of my head affects my future-college apps, job apps, aunties scrutinizing, where does it all go? It hasn't happened yet, my mother is simply neurotic about it. But seriously, I'm nowhere near as accomplished as I thought I would be gathering my history with work and ambitions. My work is ambitionless-I dont even plan to stay there more than a day after I graduate out of high school and hopefully much before. It is not even restricting since I dont work hours even once each week. Yet, adding on to my list of nothing to do, I don't have a thing productive to do. I really measure myself by productivity which I have not been for the past 2 years. High school has been the biggest drag of my life and the last 2 years have gone too screechingly fast to even let me introspect and change. I liked the speed of things, but didn't care. I wanted to test the edge of things-before I started to be considered an adult in this world, I figured I needed to know my limits. Before that, I was the biggest fish in the bowl, King of the Hill sitting on top of a gold mine, diesel flowing down its ridges and every good-lookin at my mercy. Seriously, that was my diminutive world. A world that is too open can't give you anything. I needed a challenge that I was sure I could do. I knew I could do it and I purported into a world where I didnt have to do it. I had done it once already-taken too many tests to give me false gratification of being a success-sometimes too much of one.
Its escape came when my parents said, stop and breathe. Okay, I stopped there, and I tried to breathe. This is where my mind developed the virus I like to call lazy ass that stopped there forever. Parents didn't want that. I didn't want that, some part of my mind did. It always wanted it and was now getting results based on the degree to which I was absolutely clueless about controlling my fucking life.
Everything went out of hand. When everything was in hand, its vanishing mattered. Especially to those who matter to me the most.
Doing absolutely nothing still gives me the pleasure of dreaming of a future I can't live due to my discovery. It is also a future I don't want but a dream to live in a dream.
Extremism is a character quality in me. My pendulum never swings to the point of equilibrium at any given time. It is not evoked, cannot be suppressed and is as toxic to my physicality as it is heaven to my spirituality. It is not me surrendering myself or losing hope over the little-erase and restart American quality either. The best part was realizing it.
Among many other things,
I discovered what an ass I'm destined to be.
Dun hate
I'm conflicted over the real-time effects of my actions-where each thing is headed in the big picture. Where each stray hair on top of my head affects my future-college apps, job apps, aunties scrutinizing, where does it all go? It hasn't happened yet, my mother is simply neurotic about it. But seriously, I'm nowhere near as accomplished as I thought I would be gathering my history with work and ambitions. My work is ambitionless-I dont even plan to stay there more than a day after I graduate out of high school and hopefully much before. It is not even restricting since I dont work hours even once each week. Yet, adding on to my list of nothing to do, I don't have a thing productive to do. I really measure myself by productivity which I have not been for the past 2 years. High school has been the biggest drag of my life and the last 2 years have gone too screechingly fast to even let me introspect and change. I liked the speed of things, but didn't care. I wanted to test the edge of things-before I started to be considered an adult in this world, I figured I needed to know my limits. Before that, I was the biggest fish in the bowl, King of the Hill sitting on top of a gold mine, diesel flowing down its ridges and every good-lookin at my mercy. Seriously, that was my diminutive world. A world that is too open can't give you anything. I needed a challenge that I was sure I could do. I knew I could do it and I purported into a world where I didnt have to do it. I had done it once already-taken too many tests to give me false gratification of being a success-sometimes too much of one.
Its escape came when my parents said, stop and breathe. Okay, I stopped there, and I tried to breathe. This is where my mind developed the virus I like to call lazy ass that stopped there forever. Parents didn't want that. I didn't want that, some part of my mind did. It always wanted it and was now getting results based on the degree to which I was absolutely clueless about controlling my fucking life.
Everything went out of hand. When everything was in hand, its vanishing mattered. Especially to those who matter to me the most.
Doing absolutely nothing still gives me the pleasure of dreaming of a future I can't live due to my discovery. It is also a future I don't want but a dream to live in a dream.
Extremism is a character quality in me. My pendulum never swings to the point of equilibrium at any given time. It is not evoked, cannot be suppressed and is as toxic to my physicality as it is heaven to my spirituality. It is not me surrendering myself or losing hope over the little-erase and restart American quality either. The best part was realizing it.
Among many other things,
I discovered what an ass I'm destined to be.
Dun hate
Thursday, July 1, 2010
My flailing moped-just a few of the questions that irk me
Why can people suppose a belief thousand of years old stands true in this era of scooting bras under dinner tables while discussing the Oil spill and wanting the Rolls-Royces back? Where does hypocrisy end and where did it begin? Why do police cars have blaring sirens to warn the illegitimates atleast ten minutes before their premature arrest? Why does America the imperialist never willing to believe itself, continue to extend the fabrication of a fuckedup democracy everywhere? Why are we the unhappiest nation on Earth? Why does my mom care about menopausal symptoms at age 40 despite being her gorgeous self? (she claims to not care for the least about her physical self but it stops her from removing the fibroids in her body) With what right do I say all I'd like to in this blog about this guilt-ridden nation with my disagreeingly-etched life? To what extent does it even matter? Why am I so unaware of the news?
Go lie, cheat, steal and tell your aunt to pay your bills. Then, answer my questions.
Why?
Go lie, cheat, steal and tell your aunt to pay your bills. Then, answer my questions.
Why?
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