Day two-nothing new

I lost my password to this blog and had to follow a shitload of annoying instructions I glanced over 5 times to avoid reading. I was just trying to be speedy. Why? I hope I would be able to answer that question without questioning my sanity first.
I'm conflicted over the real-time effects of my actions-where each thing is headed in the big picture. Where each stray hair on top of my head affects my future-college apps, job apps, aunties scrutinizing, where does it all go? It hasn't happened yet, my mother is simply neurotic about it. But seriously, I'm nowhere near as accomplished as I thought I would be gathering my history with work and ambitions. My work is ambitionless-I dont even plan to stay there more than a day after I graduate out of high school and hopefully much before. It is not even restricting since I dont work hours even once each week. Yet, adding on to my list of nothing to do, I don't have a thing productive to do. I really measure myself by productivity which I have not been for the past 2 years. High school has been the biggest drag of my life and the last 2 years have gone too screechingly fast to even let me introspect and change. I liked the speed of things, but didn't care. I wanted to test the edge of things-before I started to be considered an adult in this world, I figured I needed to know my limits. Before that, I was the biggest fish in the bowl, King of the Hill sitting on top of a gold mine, diesel flowing down its ridges and every good-lookin at my mercy. Seriously, that was my diminutive world. A world that is too open can't give you anything. I needed a challenge that I was sure I could do. I knew I could do it and I purported into a world where I didnt have to do it. I had done it once already-taken too many tests to give me false gratification of being a success-sometimes too much of one.
Its escape came when my parents said, stop and breathe. Okay, I stopped there, and I tried to breathe. This is where my mind developed the virus I like to call lazy ass that stopped there forever. Parents didn't want that. I didn't want that, some part of my mind did. It always wanted it and was now getting results based on the degree to which I was absolutely clueless about controlling my fucking life.
Everything went out of hand. When everything was in hand, its vanishing mattered. Especially to those who matter to me the most.
Doing absolutely nothing still gives me the pleasure of dreaming of a future I can't live due to my discovery. It is also a future I don't want but a dream to live in a dream.
Extremism is a character quality in me. My pendulum never swings to the point of equilibrium at any given time. It is not evoked, cannot be suppressed and is as toxic to my physicality as it is heaven to my spirituality. It is not me surrendering myself or losing hope over the little-erase and restart American quality either. The best part was realizing it.
Among many other things,
I discovered what an ass I'm destined to be.
Dun hate